Breaking Up Is Hard To Do - Leaving Your Child In Daycare

As I write this, I am sitting alone in my house for the first time in eighteen months. I am totally and completely alone, bar the cat. It is quiet, just the sound of birds outside, even the usual drone and thud of construction work in neighbouring fields has halted in honour of the occasion. I can do whatever I want: drink tea which is still hot, read a book and fall asleep with it on my face, leave the house with just my keys and mobile. And what do I actually want to do? Well, other than compulsively tidy the kitchen and my sock draw, I want to bite my nails and fidget and maybe, just maybe, make one tiny call to the childminder, just to make sure that her phone is working and that Squidget isn't too distraught without me.

Yes, dear reader, I have finally done it. Little Squidget has gone off to her childminders, alias Wonderwoman and Superman, for the morning, for the first time, and I am feeling bereft, like I have sent her away to borstal. Wonderwoman and Superman are the most capable, wonderful people I know, having looked after Goldilocks when I returned to my former life of Career Woman following her birth, some three years ago, so my feelings of dread, guilt and sheer loss are at once rendered ridiculous. But I still feel loss, like part of my body has weirdly evolved and fallen off.

It has been a long road to today, a road pitted with emotional minefields and practical nightmarishness. Who would have imagined that organising enough time to sit and stare gormlessly out of the window could be so complicated? When I gave birth to the Tweenager, I was in my second year at university. I was 22, had just moved to the UK, got married and moved house. My life fell apart when she was born and daycare was the best option. Even as a tiny baby, she was very stoic about the whole thing, bravely heading off to nursery and then school with a rucksack the same size as her on her back, blinking back the tears as she bravely waved goodbye. I never got over the guilt that crippled me every time I left her and went to my lectures. Staying at home was never an option I considered – I was grateful to get through the day without having a tantrum of my own. By the time Goldilocks was born, I was in Cyprus, running a successful business, stronger, healthier, happier, but I had gained that enemy of kids the world over: a Career. I swore I would do better by my second daughter and delegated frantically. Unfortunately, my maternity cover proved to be barking mad and so I returned to work (not altogether unwillingly), baby on hip and often on breast (much to the combined curiosity/shock of anyone within burping distance). A year later, Wonderwoman and Superman entered our lives and Goldilocks found her happy ever after with them for the next two years. The fact that she was and is never fazed by anything, giving any poor soul looking after her a real run for their money, helped assuage any feelings of guilt I might have been harbouring.

Fast forward to today. Before gathering the resolve to ask Wonderwoman and Superman to help out with Squidget (it took me two months to make the call), I read every darn article discussing the pros and cons of early childcare, about separation anxiety and how to handle it. There is a massive amount of information out there on how and why to leave your child but precious little discussion of the emotional impact separation has on the frazzled parent left holding an empty packet of wet wipes. I have always been oddly clingy with all my kids. I'm known for it: well-meaning friends and not-so-friendly others have often joked that I am too attached to them. I couldn't bear the thought of letting them go, a genuine problem not helped by the fact that it seems to be a medical condition peculiar to Turkish Cypriots to squeeze, stroke and physically grab your baby out of your arms at any given opportunity. If I let them go, what would I do with myself? Knit? Become an estate agent? So I became a Stay At Home Mum extraordinaire. With no life. Enter Wonderwoman and Superman, who I can hear coming up the driveway now. Squidget is smiling in the back seat and all is good with the world. I think I might be able to get used to this.

Cartoon Drawing Can Reduce Your Child's Excessive Addiction to Video Games

It is fact that these days videogames are growing in popularity. People especially children spend long hours playing videogames. The available game options are really diverse. There are various versions of PlayStation, Xbox and other gaming consoles. Other than these consoles there are a number of attractive PC-based games available in market. And now with the advent of PSP and mobile phone based games you can play games even when you are away from home.

While no one can deny the fact that videogames are good for developing hand eye coordination in young children and some games which are strategy based give good exercise to their grey matter, it is doubtful what good this videogames culture will ultimately do to the creativity of the younger generation because spending most of the free hours playing video games leaves very little time for pursuing other interests.

To preserve the sanity of everybody concerned, something needs to be done very seriously and urgently to reduce this addiction.

Videogames cannot be taken out of a child's life totally, but its attraction can be reduced substantially. And cartoons can play a vital role here. But we're not talking of watching TV cartoon shows. Children instinctively love to draw, at the same time they also love cartoons. If they are encouraged to take up the cartoon drawing it will help to channel their energy to a much more creative and entertaining activity.

Cartoon drawing is a quite inexpensive hobby, and one can get started with a pencil, a pad and an eraser. But this inexpensive hobby can be a fulfilling, rewarding and creatively satisfying profession in later years.

The beauty of the whole thing is when in course of time the child starts picking up cartooning skills his attraction to videogames and total time of the day spent with games both will drop. Plus when parents, his peers like and praise his drawings his overall confidence in his own abilities gets a well deserved boost. Which is good not only for his cartooning skills but this also helps him to grow into a confident and well adjusted adult.

For a youngster his skills in cartoon drawing --which was taken up just for fun-- can prove to be a real asset for his career. Animator, Web designer, illustrator, art instructor and various other similar professional options will be open for him.

So encourage your kid to take up cartoon drawing as a hobby and see how it transforms him.

Solving Conflicts With Your Child or Teen Easily, The Sixth and Seventh Step

Creativity is key.

Step 6 Creating the best solution for both

It is important to get creative, brainstorm about solutions with all the information you have.
Your kids may be better at this than you, as we have often unlearned to be free, open and creative. So if they are, enjoy that energy and let them sweep you up in the air a little.
How do you do this?
1. No judgments, no censoring of the "that can't work, that is ridiculous" kind. One idea may lead to another and shutting someone's idea down, may shut the conversation down. Why? Because being creative means being vulnerable as well. Saying things that may sound crazy may lead to something excellent. And if you shut my idea down, you may close me up again.
Stay open and positive.

I.E. Going to the moon, can't be done. A glass bulb that gives light, impossible. Talking to people on the other side of the world, crazy.
When we are open to the idea just around the corner of what we know, we may see a whole new world open up.

2. Have fun. Let the energy flow, by connecting words (bread-butter-knife-fork-road-trip-vacation etc. ) or making wish lists, with sentences like"what if money wasn't an issue"

3. Look at the ideas together and create one that fits what you both need and creates a win-win solution.(and check that by looking at your interests and what you can do without the other!)

4. Write it out, so you both have the same final version.

Step 7 Agreements and consequences

Winthout a concrete plan, knowing what we'll do and what happens if we don't, all the work so far was nice, but will end in disappointment if you don't do this step.

With the solution you created in step 6, now sit down and write out what each of you will do to make it work. Make it as concrete as possible. Like "Mom will go to the hardware store this week and buy a kite." "Jimmy do the dishes every evening this week before 7PM, until Sunday."
"If Jimmy has not done the dishes, he will not get the kite." "If Mom has not bought the kite, Jimmy can watch half an hour extra of television each day until she has."
"We will meet again Sunday night to see what each of us has done."

This step will help you bridge from a good feeling about a solution to making it work.
And if it doesn't go well, then the consequences are clear already and will not surprise anyone.

This takes heat out of the follow up and pushes parents to follow through too!

Have fun being creative and enjoy a clear plan to work with!

Parenting Girls - Entertainment Girl Style

Whether she's a tomboy or a little princess, sometimes your little girl just needs some downtime. Lives are hectic these days, and that can take a toll on those we want to protect. Help your daughter discover the benefits of relaxing. When she is done reading a book or drawing a picture, what can you do with your girls who need a break from all the running around so common today? Take them online!

Girls have things they like and things they don't – and it varies by girl, of course. One thing that a lot of young girls enjoy, however, is a bit of coloring or drawing. Many websites, including TheDollPalace.com are catching onto this bit of interest, and on behalf of these girls, are designing online coloring pages.

Coloring Online?


Traditional coloring books are fun, but coloring pages online offer an entirely new world of entertainment options. The DollPalace, for example, uses many of their most popular dolls, including dolls of the young celebrity Miley Cyrus, to build coloring pages. Girls have the opportunity to browse the available pages, then enjoy coloring them right on the computer. Once the picture is finished, there are plenty more available for continued fun.

Moving Beyond Coloring Pages


Once your young lady has run out of coloring steam, there is still plenty to do online without ever leaving the coloring page website. There are hundreds of dolls to discover – including many Miley Cyrus dolls that have not been made into coloring pages, and young girls can try their hand at designing their own dolls as well.

These websites have many activities that parents can approve of and even enjoy with their children. Parents may be just as stumped as kids when it comes to trying to guess celebrity dolls by their award show finery and some of the dolls – such as mermaids and goddesses open the door for creativity and perhaps even a little story telling of your own. Encourage story telling or have your daughter write a few personalities or stories about their favorite dolls. Girls love fantasy games, and dolls are a perfect means for this.

A Safe Haven


As new coloring pages are created every week, there are always new things to do. With so many questionable locations on the internet, it's a relief for parents to be able to find a safe haven. A website that keeps girls happy and occupied with some of their favorite actresses, activities and games in a single location makes it easy to keep tabs on what your daughter is up to and make sure she's having fun.

Every parent wants the best for their child, and with coloring pages online, there is a new avenue open. Keep your daughter safe and happy at the same time by opening up the virtual world of coloring and dolls.

He Can't Get Along With His Father

QUESTION:

Our son does improve for a while, but then all of the sudden he will get back into this rebellious stage. He has a really hard time communicating and getting along with his father. Now he says he can't live with his father and wants to move out (he'll soon be 17). His father is the "bad guy" and I am the "softy." Any help or advice? I just don't know what else to do. Should he be in counseling?

ANSWER:

Individual counseling for your son's rebelliousness is just another "traditional" or "conventional" parenting strategy that has virtually no "bang for the buck." If you're going to do counseling, the whole family should be involved.

I think it would be good to begin having regular conversations with your son about how exciting his future is going to be. Begin the conversations with questions to your son like: "Are you thinking about college?" "If so, where do you think you might like to attend?" "What career field sounds interesting to you?" "When you get a full-time job and can afford it, what kind of car are you going to get?" ...and so on.

The idea is to put a positive spin on this idea he has about moving out on his own. You may even want to spend some afternoon with him shopping for an apartment (e.g., call some landlords, meet with the landlord at the apartment so you and your son can see it and can talk about how much it will cost HIM to live there). Play along ...as though "moving out" is a viable option. Begin building his confidence in being "out of the nest," because sooner rather than later, he will be on his own.

If dad would "lighten-up" a bit -- and if you, dear mother, would "toughen-up" a bit -- you and your husband will be more on the same page, and your son will not easily play one against the other (which sounds like what's going on here).

Before you or your husband make any decisions about anything, the two of you should discuss it first and decide collectively what to do. A weaker plan by both parents will be 10 times better than a stronger plan made by only one parent.

Children - Are They Listening?

How much time do you spend talking to your child and thinking: Are they even listening? I am not talking about the times we ask them to clean their rooms, but the times when we feel we are talking about important issues. The times when it seems the perfect teachable moment has arisen. The moment when it seems your child has an issue, and you, just happen to have the answer. After all, that is your job, isn't it? Didn't we live through our life as it is so far, to enable us to help our children get through the same situations in an easier way? Yet when we begin talking, there is something about the glazed look you are getting from your son/daughter, that makes you question whether it is wasted breath. It makes you ask: Are they even listening?

There actually is a way to speak to your children and make a difference in their decision making process, but first you will need to ask yourself the appropriate question: Are you really listening? It's a challenge to listen to your child's issues, without immediately wanting to resolve the problem for them. Certainly we have been through so much ourselves that we could really save them a few years of pain, by helping them to cut through the chase. Right? Wrong. If you really want them to hear you, the first thing you need to do is to really learn to hear them. Here are some steps to follow that might help:

1- The first step is to really listen, without the intention of fixing anything. Listen to the whole story that they are willing to share and be thankful they are sharing at all. Pay attention to all the cues they are sending, including body language and sound of his/her voice, to see what the feelings are attached to the story. Is there hurt feelings, fear, sadness, anger?

2- If there is a part that you don't understand, ask questions without adding your own input. Simple questions like: when did that happen? Was it intentional? Are you okay? The point is to really let them know that you are an active listening audience, but just listening.

3- Once the story has been told, it's time to find out why the story is being shared.
Again, stick to simple questions that don't include your opinion. Show empathy. "Wow, that sounds upsetting, do you feel like you need to do something?" Find out what your role is: "What can I do to help?" They may have just wanted to let it out, and so your job has just ended. Or this may be the time where you can offer help, but it will now be on their terms, since you have been asked for help.

4- Even if they have asked for help, be careful, because too much help, or help that doesn't make sense to them, may make them close you out. Keep the doors open by continuing with the questions. "What do you think you should do next?" "Will that fix the problem?" If they can't come up with anything, try to relate it to a situation you have had and tell them how you handled it. Then they can see that you aren't playing "I know it all," but rather that you can relate and this is what you did.

Ultimately, they will have to decide how to handle the situation. You may offer some possible solutions, but unless they are comfortable with them, they won't even think about doing it. Learning to resolve conflicts is an enormous life lesson and one that will discovered and rediscovered many times in their life, so use the moment while you have it.

If you really want your children to listen, start by truly listening to them. If you listen carefully enough, they will tell you whether they want help or not and in the end, you will foster children that see you as a safe haven, not a lecture hall.

Found In Translation

I finally got my hands on a bootleg copy of the Parent-to-Toddler Dictionary (never mind the particulars; I don't want to drag anyone else into the anarchy of the Secret Toddler Underground) and let me just say... I've been blind, and now I see!

Who knew that to a toddler, "Use your fork, please." means "Dip a green bean in your milk and stuff it up your nose"? This changes everything!

I'll be a much better mom knowing that "It's time to put your tea set away." means "Hurl yourself against the glass-front fireplace. Twice."

"I have to let go of your hand to unlock the car, so I need you to stand right here while I do that. DO NOT MOVE." means "Run, Child! Run like the wind!"

"Where's your bib?" means "Would you be so kind as to rummage through the kitchen drawers until you find a rusty antique pickle fork, and then comb your eyebrows with it?"

"Yucky! Don't put that in your mouth." means "Cram it into mine while I'm talking."
(variation - "Honey, don't rip pages out of your book." means "Rip pages out of mine instead.")

"This part of mass is called the Homily." means "Mama has a scrambled egg in her pocket. Don't be fooled by her whispered denials. Just keep shouting "egg now!" until she gives it to you."

Now I'm ready to face the day. (Wait! I'd better look that up. Yep, here it is: "Call Mama to your crib, wrap your little arms tightly around her neck, and vomit."